When you or someone else in our orbit is anxious, these phrases often escape our mouth:
“It will all work out.”
“You will be OK, Trust Me.”
“When God Closes a Door God Opens a Window.”
There is NOTHING wrong with these phrases on the surface. Yet saying them to yourself or someone who is anxious or worried DOES NOT WORK and do what it is we think and want these phrase to do.
Not to mention, these phrases are never is NOT about the anxious and/or worried person who is in our world, saying them is it is ALL ABOUT YOU and ME and it can be rather cruel.
You, me and others use these perfectly respectable and true phrases all of the time when trying to cope with our own anxiety or the worries of another. When our/their behaviors and emoting become uncomfortable for us, out come these phrases in an attempt to dispel that discomfort. We have learned through our own use and watching people use these phrases on TV, in movies, books and real life that occasionally the anxious and worried person actually calms down after the use of these phrases.
Truth of the matter is that using these phrases only insults the anxious and worried individual (who may be us by the way) and increases their discomfort. But, if it “works” and they suck it up and “calm down” externally at least, then good for us. We don’t have to deal with their discomfort anymore and “believe” that we helped. (Heavy on the sarcasm here).
Don’t use these phrases with yourself or any nervous person. Rather:
Acknowledge your/their emotional state. It’s ok to say, “absolutely, (nature of the situation) is scary and nerve wracking.” Acknowledging someone’s emotional state is empathy. Use it. Empathy is one of the greatest communication tools we have to take advantage when you can.
Accept WHY you/they are nervous and scared. Say, “yep, makes sense, (nature of the situation) would most definitely make most if not all people of us worried or anxious. Accepting the reasons for someone’s emotional state is empathy. Use it.
Finally, replace the focus. Saying, “you will be fine” or “it will all work out” is not true. The person MAY NOT be fine in the end and things may NOT work out and THAT is why the person (or you) is (are) anxious and nervous.
Don’t bullshit yourself or them. Acknowledge and accept then replace “you will be fine” with “what are you doing to manage your fear?” or “what can you do to make sure this works out in your favor?”
See this video for more:
The Bob Zima Blog 