The Existential Teeter-Totter

Welcome to my Heart 2 Heart Series featuring existential reflections of the narratives of my heart stories and those of my children and how these stories impact me, my wife, family & friends. Glad you have joined me on this introspective journey.

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So I am having existential crises and dreams that oscillate like they are riding on a teeter-totter.

This of course is NORMAL and EXPECTED when one faces a life or death situation or avoids thinking of a life or death situation or is somewhere in the middle and occasionally ventures to both ends of the teeter-totter to peer over the edge into the future.

I am in the middle most of the time. And I do venture to both ends and look over ever now and then.

I don’t want to think of my pending open heart surgery as life or death yet it is. Simple fact. I also don’t want to be “that patient” who is overly dramatic that when they discuss their “surgery” the subtitle of “morose dramatic music builds” appear as I contemplate and discuss the road ahead.

I was speaking with my wife about our plans for Christmas. We are traveling to Denver to see her old man, who is in great shape and sharp as hell. She said she needs to be with her father on Christmas since we “don’t know if this will be his last Christmas.” I laughed and said, “THIS could be mine as well“.

I guess that was not funny – based on the look I got from my wife. And I get that. Yet it is “true” and “plausible” that THIS will be my last Christmas or my father-in-laws. A bit dramatic though, so you hear the music building?

And definitely not funny.

But, what if it is my last Christmas, and I truly believe that it is not, do I want to be in Denver visiting and celebrating with my wife’s family or in Orlando celebrating and fighting with mine? Decisions. Decisions.

Hmmm.

And my birthday is on January 1. My mother told me that the football games and parades were all in honor or me and my special day. Any wonder why it is that I am so cocky and arrogant?

Do I do something extra special on my possible last birthday? No! Of course not. Because, again, I don’t believe that it will be my final and last birthday. I believe that, post surgery, I will have many more birthdays and that is extra special. That I will come out of this adventure with renewed energy, optimism, and a zest for a life well led.

I consider all of the possible endings. Did you know that they filmed four endings for the famed Casablanca. The producers selected the ending that we all know and love; yet other endings existed. For me, I pick the ending that I believe will occur and should occur. I do have a vested interest in the ending scene of this adventure.

I pick the scene I expected to “make the final cut” of the movie and then I focus on that. I do allow my mind and soul to teeter-totter between “possible” scenes, that is human and only natural. Yet I corral my mind and move it back to the scene I fully expect and want to play out.