When in a relationship with someone who can, let’s just say, be a bit up and down with their emotional expressiveness, the key psychological fitness skill you want to develop is elasticity. Keeping it bungie baby.
Meaning, that when you are connected to another and that connection has the flexibility of a steel, you, like a smooth running rollercoaster will follow the subtly of the contour of the swooping, diving, soaring and twisting track.
And that my friends is a thrill ride that is often NO FUN. You’re life and experience will be a series of ups and downs, lefts and rights and you will not be a happy camper. Nor will your partner as your emotional stability will be threatened, eroded and the relationship will become toxic and unpleasant.
Rather, keep the connection you maintain with someone who has a wide emotional range elastic, like a bungee cord. This way, when their moods bounce them from here to there and back again, you remain grounded, secure and “the stability” they need and want – which is probably why they selected you as a partner in the first place. You help them find their balance, their homeostasis. Keeping your footing and stability is good for you as well as you are not dragged around all over the place like a rag doll and you, as I just said, offer that anchor point for the relationship.
Keeping it elastic means that you provide plenty of empathy, don’t defend yourself for things that you are not responsible for, don’t try to persuade or control your partner or take responsibility for the fall out of their choices and behaviors. I know, that is difficult and takes a lot of skill development. Yet you CAN and MUST to it.
When your partner starts to get “emotional” and “verbal” allow them the room to travel while you remain firmly in place, which is good for you. Empathize by connecting with their emotion. Don’t try to convince them of anything. Don’t defend yourself. You have nothing to apologize for and never take responsibility for the outcomes of their bad choices and behaviors. You can love and empathize when the fit hits the shan….just don’t take responsibility for it.
Give them the amount of bungie they need.
Eventually, they will hit the end of the rope and because that rope has more give yet is somewhat restrictive, they will bound back gently and comfortably without becoming angry.
The Bob Zima Blog 